Tribbles log
by J0j2
Summary: Tribbles log: The mini diary of the tribbles kept aboard the enterprise More chapters coming
1. Tribble's log Puck

Tribble's Log – Name: Puck

Stardate: umm….Q?

I'm Puck. At least that was what the human/Vulcan 'Spock' refers to me as. He says it's due to Dr. McCoy's called of him by the name Hobgoblin and that puck is a hobgoblin in the Shakespearian work of literature. Or something like that. It's better being in his custody then that odd Harry Mud. I was on the ship by Kirk's chair, minding my own business, when Spock begins talking about the little noises us tribbles make. I am so very sorry if I make a cooing sound! Like I can help it? And it's not like I'm going to bite you! I don't have teeth! Or a mouth for that matter…but that's besides the point.

So, he picks me up and starts petting me. (I had such a crick in the small, almost inexistent spine and it felt good) and says exactly this:

"The tribbles seems to make a cooing sound. Fortunately, I am…Immune…to it." And yes, he is still petting me. I make another cooing sound. I like the one called Spock. He puts me down out of sheer embarrassment. He says he has no emotions. Us tribbles trigger it. I gleep out of his facial expression. That happens once in a stardate. What is a stardate? A think it's a random stream of numbers but I should probably look it up.

Later, Spock comes back, recognizes me, and smuggles me into his quarters. I'm surprised at this and no body discovered me. Shortly after he leaves and I have 7 kids. Don't ask me how it works. They all run away, but I stay in Spock's quarters. Soon, the captain Kirk comes in with Spock. They're talking about the tribble trouble and proceed to an odd game. There were mutterings of '3rd level bishop' or 'Check. Better move your 1st and 2nd rook.'

I naturally hide. I may be a tribble but the doctor did dissect one of us –creepy isn't it?- and in fact, we do have brains. Maybe they are the size of peanuts…

So, I'm sitting here when the intercom is blaring 'Some weird grain type has been eaten by tribbles!' Ok, so clearly now the answer is to beam us on to a kling-on ship! 'Logically.' My owner would say. I disagree with Vulcan philosophy.

I didn't even eat the stupid wheat! So Spock's looking around for his phaser and it's right next to me so I grab it –cause I'm nice- and for a minute he gives up his shell and smiles a little bit, and comments, 'I did not know they realized…no I am a Vulcan.' Then shortly walks out. All my 7 babies are all now very fat. Before they were beamed aboard the kling-on ship, one raved that after falling out of the grain capsule, he touched Kirk's shoulder. I laughed at that. Who cares? I'm the pet and STILL AM of the first officer. Eat that, Ralph!

____________

Tribble journals

Next one's called Tribble's Log, Ralph. Guess who's tribble?

Plz comment


	2. Tribble's log Ralph

Tribbles Log- Name: Ralph

Stardate: Who cares?!

I'm not Ralph. My real name is Genie, but since Mccoy's such a great doctor, he's named me Ralph. I understand there is no gender amongst tribbles but we like to say that we are one or the other. I am, in fact, a female.

Nonetheless, I do like Bones, as angered as I am about the name thing. I was one of the first on the enterprise. I take full credit. No flash photography please, there will be autograph signing in the lobby thank you!

So Mccoy is very curious about how us tribbles work, so I am put into an odd machine. It made a sound rather like a cat in horrible pain and there were many blue and purple lights. So I come out of the thing and then he starts asking me questions. I say gleep because I'm a tribble, not a doctor! How am I supposed to know how our blood cells are formed?!

He puts my under some glass thingy and leaves the room. Then this thing with pointy ears comes into sickbay. I think that's where I am at least. I may not have eyes, or a mouth…or a real bone structure…but I can read!

So, the pointy eared thing starts examining me and I'm flailing insults at him because this is weird. What kind of sikko walks around a tribble cage? Then I notice he's holding one. "Who are you?" I ask, though it comes out as 'KOoO?'

"I'm Puck. I am a logical being so I am told by Spock. Do you have reason to be on the starship enterprise?"

"I'm Genie called Ralph, thanks for asking." I inform him. "I'm on the what?"

"The starship enterprise. It's floating here in space."

I raise my fur, which would be the human equivalent of an eyebrow raise. "I'm a tribble, not an astronaut! What the heck is space?"

"You are highly illogical." Puck responded, as the one called Spock left the room. Such a well mannered tribble.

My accommodations in this jar really aren't pleasing. I'm screaming, "Mccoy you idiot! Get me out of this stupid jar!" then I get a stomach ache, I blink and look at that. There are a bunch of little tribbles swarming around me. Oh god. "MCCOY!"

"The little fella's been gleeping up a storm." Bones finally comes in with a redshirt.

"Just shuddup and let me out of here." I grumble. I am highly annoyed with this situation. Mccoy comes over and jumps.

"I just went to the bridge! Now there are ten of you?!"

_Yes. Your so very observant. Now lift the stinking glass thingy! _I think. I like Bones. We do both hate the hobgoblin and I have special things against puck, but man is that guy a space out.

Finally, bones gets the message (as he is so quick minded) and I am allowed to roam around on his desk. He gives one of the other ones in my cage -I apparently gave birth to?- to the redshirt. He throws the other ones in the trash bin. "If you make one more of you fuzzy backed thing, you're going to be in the potato sack I'll to beat Jim with if he doesn't get you things OFF THE STINKING SHIP!"

A viable threat. Dually noted. I coo, for effect and he starts petting me. I coo more, but if you'd like to know what I'm saying, a briefing would be this. "Ha, you humans are such suckers for that. YOU ARE MY SLAVE! BOW DOWN BEFORE ME! MUAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!" and he has no idea.

Bones is summoned to the transporter room. He called it the Witchcraft room, but who's counting? I am stuffed into a little doctor briefcase which is very scary for reference when you have some kind of strong sedative about to stab you in the butt.

As we're beaming down, I wriggle my way for a little look and there are weird, 60's colors and things everywhere and in the middle of the lava lamp is puck and some other person holding a tribble. Wow, the crew really are suckers for us. World domination, here we come.

"What are you doing here?" I ask puck.

"The more logical question is why are YOU here, one called Ralph?"

"It's Genie you hobgoblin." I rather like that word. "Dr. Keep me in a jar decided to let me on parole."

"Do you mean Leonard Mccoy?" Leonard? I gleeped at that. That's a funny name.

"Yea, sure." The pretty colors were fading. "Have you noticed how many of these crew people have tribbles? It's awesome. We could totally take over the ship." I said.

"Domination? Not something that's crossed my mind." Puck responded. "By the way, why are you called Ralph by the doctor if you are a female?"

He's a tribble. He doesn't know this WHY? "There's no actual gender you idiot!" The planet was fully in place. There were rocks that were blood orange and a river so vast and cerulean blue. "It's a really nice spread out here." I comment.

"Wow Jim, not every day we beam down to one of these pretty planets." Bones marvels. I agree, so I coo. "excuse me for a second." Mccoy went over a little way away. "What are you trying to do? Do you things even have brains?!" he grumbled. He should know that we do have brains! He was the one who cut my cousin up into bite sized pieces!

"Gleep!" Just to piss him off more.

"Stupid…" he pushed me back farther into the briefcase and clipped the top. Now I was just sitting for another hour and a half when I was finally let out and we were back in the ship. ___________end 4 now: next chapter; Jeffrey!


	3. Tribble's log Jeffrey

Tribble's log, Name: Jeffrey

Stardate: That's what he said!

Credit to Jbadjr on for name

One minute I'm flying through the air, stuffed and possibly about to throw up on this weird guy's head, the next, I'm hearing all this stuff about how tribbles did all this bad stuff and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! You know what? I was really hungry and that grain smelled so good. Anyway, the natives are so hospitable. They try to starve us! But, not me. Shortly after fall on that guy's head, -actually, I did vomit a little, but don't tell him- I learned his name is Jim and he's the so called 'Captain' of the enterprise. He smells funny.

So, he's petting me behind his back as this weird guy from something called 'Starfleet' is blabbing about how its his fault that this precious wheat has been consumed by us and he should be ashamed and he needs to go to his room and think about what he had done. Well, maybe not that part.

So he does go to his room, and did I mention this guy called Kirk has anger issues? He throws me on a wall. I stick to it and make a squeaking sound. "Ha sucker." I say.

"Stupid cooing creatures." He puts his face in his hands and starts crying. What did I do? I was hungry, so I ate! It wasn't even cost effective! So what's he wailing about? Well, I feel bad for him so I use my tribble powers and fly – Ok fine. I crawl out on the wall and into the Doctor's office. There I see some tribble in a brief case with it's head sticking out.

"And you are?" I ask.

"Genie." She responds. She's got a nice brown coat of fur. Rawr.

"Ralph quit your damn cooing!" McCoy yelled from the side of the room.

"Ralph?!" I break out into a mad fit of hysterical laughter. Godgleepit! That's hilarious! "He calls you RALPH?! And you're a girl!" I rolled over it hurts so funny.

"Shuddup. Your almost as bad as that stupid greycoat Puck."

"Who that?" I ask.

"Spock's tribble. Some weird humanoid with pointy ears." I then remember why I'm here.

"Do you know where there's some Romulan ale around here?"

"Didn't know tribbles drank."

"Just where is it Ralph?"

"It's genie you idiotic fuzzbutt."

"Whatever. Like you've got a less puffy one."

"You'd be smart to shut up if you want that ale." I let out a sigh.

"SHUDDUP YOU HELLRIDDEN TRIBBLES!" Bones yells.

"It's in the cabinet over there. The drawer's open. Now leave before Bones explodes.

"Thanks." I reply. "By the way, I'm Jeffrey."

"I'll keep that in mind." Genie said, highly uninterested. What a pleasant girl, isn't she? Oh well. I like a little attitude.

So, I remember my mission, grab a to-go sized bottle on my back and slip out before the doctor decides to vaccinate me early. I shiver. I absolutely hate shots and pointy things. Speaking of pointy things, I see the one called 'Spock' in the hallway. Ralph/Genie was right. He's got VERY pointy ears. He sees me and raises his eyebrows. "A tribble carrying ale…" he rubbed his eyes. A redshirt had heard him. By this time I had climbed into an air duct.

"Mr. Spock, possibly you should go to sick bay…"

The Vulcan jumped. "I assure you, I am fit to work. Go to your station, ensign." He shot back. I gleeped a little. That was funny. Now to Kirk.

He hasn't moved and he's sitting on the weirdly designed bed. I could have done a better job with that. That burnt Sienna is so last year. A nice sky blue would do some good for this room. I maneuver my way over to him just as he's in the middle of his rage. "These tribbles ate the grain and I GET IN TROUBLE?! Star fleet needs to work out their tacti-" I let out a GIGANTIC coo. He turns around and has his 'I will strangle you' look on his face.

I coo very softly and let the ale bottle roll off my back. His expression lightens and he smiles a little. "Thanks Jeffrey." He picks me up and strokes me.

"Coo, coo, coooooo." I say. Yes, it is just gibberish but the humans seem to enjoy it. He stuffs me in his pocket and walks out of the room and meets up with the same pointy eared guy.

"Spock, status report on the situation?" Spock looked down at Kirk's pocket and saw me. He raised one eyebrow. This seemed to be a common thing among him.

"Captain, I do believe I saw that tribble in your clothing carrying ale. I do not think I was mistaken." Jim did a good job not showing emotional values, as Spock did.

"You might want to see if you're due for a physical."

"I assure you captain I am well."

"You seem irritated Spock? A human emotion?" A tribble emotion?

"I am a Vulcan captain. That's highly Illogical."

"Whatever you say Spock." They start talking about something and I am still sticking out of the captain's back pocket. I notice in a little shoulder bag is another tribble. Wow, I am meeting all kinds today.

"You see my owner is logical." The tribble says. Oh, this must be puck.

"Puck is it?"

"Yes, if you are referring to my name."

"What's with the ears?"

"Dunno. I'm not a Vulcan." Your not?

"Have you met Genie?"

"I do believe I have made her acquaintance. She appears as a dim-witted tribble, I presume."

"I like her."

"I don't understand you. Your name is…?"

"I'm Jeffrey."

"A pleasure." He says sarcastically. "Ale? You drink the strange substance that makes humans say odd things about an earthen animal called a chicken and other things about pasta or Greek Franchises?"

"What the heck is a fan kize?"

"Franchise…it's not important."

"Oh." Our conversation ended rather abruptly and awkwardly. And then the chair came in to view. Kirk begins to sit down. "AH!" I scream, but it comes out as "!"

The entire crew turns around at Jim. He sits up, takes me out of his back pocket and places me on the handles. Then his face turns a shade of something humans call Hot Pink. So smooth, the captain is. Last thing I'd want is tips for getting Ralph from him.


	4. Tribble's log Blane

Tribble's Log: Name: Blane

Stardate: I canna change it!

Ay, I came on to this ship from the devil knows where. I got a nice blond coat though. Any of you 'ere met Genie? She's a nice tribble. A sassy one at that. I estimated we were going at a speed of Warp factor 8 or 7. Immediately I realized that I was in the engine room. I like mechanics and av' got a rather fondness for screwdrivers. Perhaps that's why the one, 'Scotty' I believe, took me. He seemed to be the one giving orders in the room. Ay, I like him. Reminds me of myself as a young tribble.

So, I'm going around and there's all these other tribbles. Rather ugly grey and brown coats. I've got the nicest look. And then some guy who speaks rather the same as I do, takes a liking to my fur –which is not surprising- and says "Cute one you are." I don't agree with his selection of words, but go on! It's flattering. I start cooing out of embarrassment. "Know what this tool is do ya?" he holds up a 1/8 inch Allen wrench. An easy one!

"1/8th inch Allen wrench, second edition, zinc plated." I respond. Of course he translates it into 'Coo coo gleep, coo gleep' but Scotty knows what I said.

"Smart one too." He laughs. Scotty puts me down by his little tool box and starts packing up things. Ay, if there's one thing he can do, it's organize. He's got a wide extension of tools and some nice editions too. I guess now I'm one of his tools because I'm in the metal can.

Soon, there's light and I'm taken out of the box, but I didn't mind because he has all these things I've only seen on EBay 9.3! Starfleet 'as got some money.

I'm in his quarters. I know 'cause it says 'M. Scot' on the wall. Wonder what the M stands for. I'm so busy marveling at all this stuff that M. Scot leaves the room and some other guy comes in. He 'as got a blue uniform and eyes to match.

"Stupid tribbles." He says. "Jim assigned me to this job I'll never know. I'm a doctor, not a furball collector!" The lad's carrying what looks like a potato sack. Ay, I'm next! So I'm not going to be stuffed like a turkey into a mashed potato* bag, I jump inside the tool case as he looks around. I decide to follow him so I can save all these of my kind. I need a disguise, so I take a cut of fabric (maybe I did cut it off Scotty's shirt), and set out.

The red material covers my –small but defiantly real- eyes so I'm almost blinded. The blue shirted lad with the angry attitude continues to rage about his occupation while I am just a stone's throw away. He finally reaches one room where he goes into. The door *magically opens when he draws near, and closes when he's inside. There are even some mysteries that even I canna solve. The most sound reason is that there would be *underpaid interns for an odd sci-fi TV show opening the sliders while he walks past! It seems logical. Didn't know I was on television.

Will it work for me? Will these colleagues in making a show with a captain who continues to have affairs with hot girls from the 60's (Approximate year, 2268) open this door for me? I dart in and they see me! I see the fiend put down the sack and then, ay, my invisible mouth drops open. There is the definition of the previously misused word, cute.

"Ay, got anywhere to be on the next star date?" I ask.

"What are you?" She asks.

I put on a romantic face. "Name's Blane, but never mind me, what're you?"

"Genie." She mumbles. "Look, I've met WAY too many guys who've been keen on me." She's already got a furry, round, puffy thing very much not like a man. But a Tribsman like me never gives up! (I am from tribland, and I assume Mr. Scot is too.) "What do you want?"

Well, she poses an interestin' question right there she does. "Where exactly are we? And who's the overworked lad in blue?"

"The starship enterprise."

"A starship! I've always wanted to be in space!" 'tis true. Since I was a young tribble.

"Always, like since one hour ago right?"

"No. Maybe." We do have short life spans.

"And Dr. 'Bones' Mccoy is the guy in blue. Listen, go meet up with Jeffrey and Puck before I decide to kling-on attack you."

"If you wish." My love. I didn't include that because I know when one is not in turn. But, ay, she will be.

I go back the way I came to Scotty's room. I call him that. I find it a clever nickname, and I see it's caught on. I hear from my perch near the toolbox, "Kirk to Scotty, come in?"

"Come on in." I reply. No response. Oh well, he must've been too shy.

TO BE CONTINUED

The little asterisks mean:

*Try saying these words like Scotty

Next chapter called, Tribble's log Genie not Ralph

Hope you like it! PLEASE R + R!


	5. Tribble's log Genie NOT Ralph!

Tribble's Log: Name: Genie NOT Ralph

Stardate: Get outta his sickbay and let me rant in peace

So I've had all these visitors since I met puck and they're all going sweet on me. Yea, it's flattering, No, none of them are actually pleasant to be around. That kid Blane? He's got some weird accent. He's way younger then me too. I do actually like Puck because he's not hitting on me and as much as he gets on my nerves, I'll consider him a friend.

By the way, I like Bones more. Even though he calls me Ralph. MY NAME IS GENIE YOU IDIOT! We share the same view on things. Like the green blooded, unemotional, ice watered, logic ridden hobgoblin. His words, not mine. Actually, I think those were my words and he copied me. That's plagiarism! Unfair. Life's not fair. Suck it up. Yes, I'm talking to you.

Then Jeffrey. Let's talk about him for a second. He comes in here wanting Romulan Ale? What the hell kind of request is that? His mouth's not even big enough to drink it! But he sure has a mouth. And it's a smart one at that. I hear word Jeff's running the ship, but everyone says that because he's Kirk's tribble. Jeffrey is such a poser.

I hear a loud yell from inside McCoy's bathroom. "STUPID TRIBBLES!" I hear a round of cooing then. Thank the good god for me not being in there. I shudder at the thought. I don't understand why bones even tries to keep me. All I do is eat and gleep. But I'm fine with that. He's not. But he likes me for one reason or another. Illogical, Spock would say. Agreed.

Later that morning we get a message from Jim. He says something about Jeffrey. Bones hides the fact that I exist.

"You kept one of those things? Really Jim?" He says, trying to be incredulous. It's not working.

"You have one too. I've seen Ralph before."

"Are you out of your captain's mind?"

"I know you have one, and so does Spock." McCoy starts laughing.

"The robot has a tribble?!" I laugh too. Ha, he didn't know that.

"He's not a robot, he's my first officer. And yes, I believe he calls it Puck. Anyway, I think Jeffrey wants to have a play date.

"Jim, I'm a doctor, not a tribble parent." Thank god he's my owner. I am NOT getting together with Jeffrey, especially if it's referred to as a play date.

"Aw, C'mon bones. They're cute." There was a cooing in the background.

"Jim-"

"NO!" I finish for him.

"Whatever. Sure. If you want your stupid puffball to see my stupid puff ball, heck, be my guest. McCoy out." He punched the button thing.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS? That guy wanted to date me, and he's your BEST friend's tribble. Are you out of your human mind?!" I'm screaming and I get into his face. I think he can tell what I'm saying.

"If you want to stay with me, that's your problem, not mine. Maybe you'll get some person that will _like _you on this ship. Because god knows I don't." he grumbled off, stuffing me into his medical case.

"Stupid humans." I rant. I don't want to see the stinking captain's tribble.

I get out at sickbay and so I don't attempt to run away, he puts me under the glass tube thingy. He doesn't trust me! Actually, he's pretty smart.

So, I'm sitting in the glass tube thingy and Jim comes over with that fur ball the earthen cat coughed up (trust me, tribblian cats don't just do fur balls), and I'm just annoyed with the whole situation. But it's a heck of a whole lot better that Jim's really stressed out about us eating some grain. He's like, 'omg starfleet's gonna kill me!' and I'm like lol.

So he puts Jeffrey with me, and bones is still really reluctant to show Kirk his tribble. He's really embarrassed he keeps me. But he loves me.

"What's going?"

"What do you want?" I mimic his tone.

"Why do you always need to be so bratty?"

"WHY do you continue to ask questions? Can't I get a hello?"

"You're the one asking questions."

"Shuddup." I retort.

"Why don't you?" he tries to make a comeback. Two words. Fail. Whale.

I sigh. This is really going to be hell in my short tribble lifespan isn't it?

"So, what's going on the star board bow?"

"Kling-ons." He replies. We laugh a little bit. "Have you met Blane or Vera?"

"Bane, yes I have."

"It's Blane with an L."

"No it's Bane. Bane of my existence. Who's Vera?" I ask.

"There's this Russian kid named Checov. He named her George!" He cracks up.

"Wow, these guys on the enterprise are really quite sexist with the names. Ralph and George?" I find this funny. But another major girl tribble! At last, someone who's not a jerk, or trying to date me.

"You've got something in your fur-" he tries to get close to me.

"You think I care?" I shove him away.

"Jeez. I just saw some grain." Oh crap. I shake my fur and swallow it.

"Grain? Really Jeff?"

"Yes really. Kirk's going to stab you."

"Not if Bones stabs me first." I wouldn't doubt it. Then the glass tube lifts up and Jeffrey's taken out. No, I'm not going to go out with him to the bridge. Yes, I do like him a little bit better. "See ya, Bane."

"It's Jeffrey!"

"Who cares?"

*****

End chapter 5. Next chapter – Vera and Genie – Girls meet. Please pose suggestions when you R&R!


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